This Sunday we celebrated Asher’s 6th birthday.
The unique aspect this year was that the days of the week matched up exactly to when they did back in 2017, when Asher was born. I went into the hospital on Saturday, February 18th, learned our son had died, and he was born the next day on Sunday, February 19th.
The matching timeline created an additional layer of anxiety this year. I coped with it all by pretending it wasn’t actually happening. In the weeks leading up to his birthday, I was busy doing ALL. THE. THINGS. I never really allowed myself to sit in silence. I focused on preparing his little “party”, working on Etsy orders, crocheting octopi, randomly cleaning, reading, etc.; anything to keep me busy and moving. I was emotionally on edge, easily irritated and easily moved to tears.
As usual though, the day of his birthday was a nice day spent as a family doing something fun and honoring our boy.
We started with our annual trip to the hospital, where Asher was born, to drop off cookies for the nurses of L&D. While there we got to meet up with one of Asher’s nurses (and the girls’ nurse because she was there the day they were born too), whom we hadn’t seen since 2020. It was so good to see and hug her. Only 9 people on this earth were able to actually meet Asher, so his nurses hold such a special place in our family’s story and our hearts.
While meeting his nurse, we also met with the new Bereavement and Palliative Care Coordinator to talk about our donation of the bears in Asher’s memory. Here is where it proves that we live in a small world. The coordinator’s daughter was a former student of Hubby’s. Her daughter had Hubby the year that Asher died. Prior to our meeting, the coordinator told me that her daughter remembers how Hubby handled the loss of Asher and how much of an impact it left on her. She said that her daughter would love to meet with us when we come in to the hospital. So not only did we get to meet with the coordinator, we also got to meet with her daughter. They made a special trip to come in on a Sunday, just to meet us. How flipping kind is that?! We chatted about Asher and all sang “Happy Birthday” to him. It was a brief meeting but good for my heart.
After our meeting at the hospital, we went to lunch as a family. Earlier in the day I talked to Hubby about switching up our Random Act of Kindness in Asher’s memory. I gave him several options and Hubby chose leaving a higher than normal tip for a server. After he made his decision, he said “well let’s just hope we don’t have a terrible server”. I told him if we did, we would just have to pivot. Well, we did have a terrible server, like really bad. In that moment we decided to just do a typical tip for lunch, but save the larger one for our dinner server later in the day.
Once we were done with lunch, we took the girls to Lancaster Science Factory for a few hours of learning and exploring. They had so much fun doing all the things. It is always a good time to watch their little minds working.
The day before Asher’s birthday, we received a rock painting kit from some friends, something fun for us to do to honor Asher and put them in his garden. After we were done at the science factory, we returned home and all painted rocks as a family. Even Hubby participated, even though his mess anxiety could only handle watching the girls slap paint on a rock for so long. 😊
When we had completed clean up, we went to dinner at a local diner to both eat and complete our Random Act of Kindness. I refuse to cook on my son’s birthday. It’s just more than I can handle. While there, we also had a not so stellar server, but we completed our Random Act of Kindness. We left a card with an extra tip and a little blurb about Asher’s 6th birthday.
We came home from the diner, had cupcakes, and sang happy birthday to our boy.
Once the little ladies were in bed, Hubby and I sat down together to open Asher’s cards. We both wrote in his Promptly Journal for year 6. We sat there, going through some of the prompts talking about what we think Asher would be into at 6 years old. We both think he would’ve been a big Mario fan.
The day still ended in tears, as it always does. I will say not as much as I thought it would, but I think I spent most of the day holding them back at various moments that they had been backed up. They flowed while reading his cards and came stronger when I verbalized to Hubby just the enormity of what we lost. The day before Asher’s birthday, I was looking through his photos to send to my friend for a Lucky Anchor birthday post, and it really hit me, just how f*cked up it is that he isn’t here.
These photos prove that he was here.
He was beautiful.
I held him.
I birthed him.
Yet six years have passed without him and I’m still functioning (relatively) without my child.
It’s just so messed up in so many ways.
We lost so much when we lost him. We lost two lives when he died; his and what ours should’ve been with him.
How can people say that it would’ve been sadder if we lost him after he lived for several years? Can’t they see this beautiful boy, this life that was here and that ended before he was able to take his first breath? Can’t people see how so much has been lost?
It’s just insane and it is mind boggling to me how people can be so dismissive of this grief we carry with us on a daily basis.
However, in that same vein, I want to thank all those who aren’t dismissive of our grief, who took the time to reach out on or around Asher’s birthday, who sent cards, who liked/commented on my social media posts of his “party”, who called, etc.
Thank you for acknowledging our son and the legacy we have created for him.
Thank you for acknowledging his existence.
Happy 6th birthday, Asher Ray! You are loved and deeply missed; on your birthday and every day. 💙
Doggie Bags not Diaper Bags 