Obligatory Year in Review – 2022

It’s that time of year again…another year to review.

It’s still hard for me to process the passing of yet another year, when I’m mentally still stuck in March 2020. So much life and change has happened in that time, and yet that whole “COVID everything shutting down” thing seems literally like yesterday.

I’m still attending therapy when I can. I continue to struggle with the fear that I will die young, which causes me to be a bit of a hypochondriac, but also very proactive about my health. That fear has gotten worse since having children because I am petrified of leaving them motherless. I would love to one day be able to feel an ache or a pain and NOT immediately think it’s cancer. My mind is like that little kid in the movie Kindergarten Cop, “it might be a tumor”. I suffer from migraines and when I get one, I know what it is, but every. single. time. this thought creeps in, if only for a second.

I’ve gotten better about not constantly needing to bother others for outside reassurance (as an Enneagram 6, I need constant reassurance), but I’m still working on the internal monologue and anxiety. Anxiety has been a constant companion my entire life. It’s my “default” setting. I know it will always be there but therapy is continuing to help me better understand the causes and coping strategies I can use to deal with it.

In January of 2022 I set the intention of moving my body with some sort of short cardio at least 3 times a week to have better heart health. As 2022 comes to a close, I can say that I followed through with that goal. Obviously, I skipped a week here and there; vacation, weird ankle injury from walking up the stairs (hello my 30’s), etc, but I can legitimately say that, overall, I regularly moved my body this entire year. Even going as far as attempting, and dare I say, enjoying some running! SHOCKER! I would do a combination of a run/walk, but it’s more than I’ve ever done in my life. I believe I even got (slightly) below a 14 minute mile on a couple of my little run/walks! (The frigid cold of PA winters have stopped my little excursions for now.).”Working out” (I use quotation marks because I don’t really see what I’m doing as working out) is something I’ve never wanted to do before but seeing as I’m getting older, I figured it couldn’t hurt to be a little more active for my daughters. While I may downplay what I’m doing but those who know me well, know that this is a big change for me and I’m really proud of it!

The end of 2022 also marks the passing of more than an entire year since we stopped preventing a pregnancy. It marks more than 12 months, 16 to be exact, where absolutely NOTHING has happened. We aren’t actively pursuing treatment or doing ovulation kits (I’ve been at this long enough now to know the signals), but it’s amazing to think that it’s been more than 16 months with absolutely nothing when you constantly hear stories from people like “OMG! It’s such a surprise! We weren’t even trying”. (If you aren’t preventing, you are trying.)

How nice for them and how shitty for us.

The lack of anything happening has been a constant weight on my mind this past year, (more of a weight than I realized until I started typing this post and became emotional) always lingering in the background;

“Could this be the month?!”

“Gosh, it’s so nice to have the freedom of potty trained kids with no diaper bag!”

“The girls would love a baby sibling.”

“Maybe it’s for the best, doing the baby thing would be a huge adjustment for our family.”

These are all thoughts that have passed through my mind repeatedly throughout this last year. It’s a strange place to be; a place where you don’t feel like you are done or ready to accept the fact that your last pregnancy may have actually been your last, while also feeling content with the three children you are lucky enough to raise. I set an arbitrary deadline to stop trying when I turned 35 and the end of 2022 means we are rapidly approaching that deadline. It remains to be seen if I will actually stick to it, but it just doesn’t get any easier to accept the fact that, for us, it’s a huge challenge to have children, when it seems to come so easily for others.

Anyway, all of that weight doesn’t negate the joy the girls bring to us. I find myself constantly stopping and watching them in awe of their existence. It still feels surreal that they are here, even 4.5 years later. I am so damn grateful for their little lives and the happiness that they bring to mine. Harper is truly the older sister, if only by two minutes. She watches out for Scarlett like nobody’s business, always giving up her things to make Scarlett happy. Scarlett, the mischievous child, is onto the game and knows what to do to make Harper voluntarily give up her things. They love being together and hate being separated for things like doctor’s appointments and such, but also are very independent of one another, happy to read a book or color alone.

They finished their first year of preschool and started their second year at a different school, due to scheduling conflicts at the first. The girls did really well with the change and seem to enjoy their new school. It’s so fun to hear about their little friends and what they are learning about each day. The downside of preschool is the exposure to all the germs. The last 4 months of 2022 have been spent battling illness after illness, with our most recent bought being a double ear infection for Scarlett and pneumonia for Harper. It feels never-ending yet they continue to be their happy selves throughout most of their sicknesses. They completed their first year of dance and started their second year. They absolutely love it. The highlight of their first recital was Scarlett shuffling her shoe right off her foot, finding it, putting it back on, and jumping right back in, all by herself. (I suspect these girls will definitely have a hand in theater/music when they are older, and I’m so excited for it!)

We’ve continued to foster Asher’s memory with donations of Comfort Cubs to our local hospital for families leaving without their child. Our little organization with Ezra’s parents, The Lucky Anchor Project, has been able to continue its mission of creating a safe space for bereaved parents and making donations to loss organizations. Our online meet-ups have continued throughout 2022. It’s truly an honor to create this space and to see it grow with new and regular attendees. This year we hosted a loss family picnic where we had families make the journey from Virginia, Ohio, and various parts of Pennsylvania. It speaks to the connections that have been made through our online meet-ups, that these families would travel so far to spend time with us. It means so very much, more than words can adequately convey.

This year I renovated my mother-in-law’s childhood toy box to create a special chest for Asher’s things. It was a labor of love and I am absolutely obsessed with it. I find myself looking at it with such pride and peace. It is finally something worthy of holding some of our most priceless possessions, items that belonged to Asher and that speak to his impact in this world. He is and always will be our anchor.

2022 was also the year of trips! I flew for the first time since 2019 and not just once, but twice!

In April, I traveled to Miami to meet up with one of my best friends, who I had never actually met in person before. I am happy to report she is not a serial killer and is just as wonderful of person in real life as she has been virtually for the last 5.5 years since we connected over the loss of our boys, Asher and Carter. It was a wonderful trip full of laughter, food, new experiences (my first drag show and also the worst sunburn of my entire life) and tons of conversation.

2022 marked our tenth wedding anniversary. It’s absolutely wild to me that we have been married for an entire decade. We’ve lived so much life in that time, so much joy and so much heartache. I am so grateful that it’s Hubby who has been by my side through it all. We marked the occasion by booking a trip through Pack Up and Go. We had absolutely nothing to do with any of the planning and had no idea where we were going until the day we left. They sent us to Richmond, VA. It was a great time spent exploring a new city and all the food that came with it. I even got to squeeze in a meet up with two of our Lucky Anchor families while there! We definitely plan on doing another trip like this in the future.

In October I flew up to Massachusetts to meet up with two of my high school besties. It was the first time we had all been together since 2019. It was so wonderful, just like it is every time we are together!

Overall, 2022 was another year where we were lucky enough to watch our girls continue to grow and make beautiful memories with them. We continue to miss Asher and wonder what it would be like if he was physically here in the mix. That ache will continue to carry through year after year. Our lives continue to be a mix of joy and grief.

Best wishes to you all in 2023!

Photo courtesy of Kerry Haggerty Photography.