It’s a…

After our Nuchal Transparency Test at 12 weeks 3 days.

MFM Doc – ” Everything looks good. You are doing the NIPS bloodwork, too?”

Me: “Yes.”

MFM Doc – “Okay, make sure you tell Stacey if there is a special way you want to be told the gender.”

Me: “I already told her we don’t have one.”

MFM Doc – “Well I can probably tell you now. She got some good shots during the scan.”

Me – “Sure! Since Hubby is here it would be nice to know together.”

(Doctor flips to a photo of baby, looking at it from the booty up)

MFM Doc – “Do you see anything there?”

Me : “Well I don’t see three lines, so I’m guessing it’s a boy?”

MFM Doc – “Yep, that’s not a clitorus (as he points to a teeny penis sticking up between the two legs). I’m 99.9% sure it’s a boy.”

That’s right, baby #4 is a boy. (confirmed by bloodwork, too)

A boy was and is still very hard for me to process for two huge reasons.

1. The fact that baby is a boy makes me anxious that others will forget that we already have one, his name is Asher.

I’ve already heard the comment “Well now you have at least one of each!”. I know that I will never let people forget about Asher and I know that people mean well when they make those comments. There is no malicious intent behind them. However, imagine if people forgot or pretended that one of your children didn’t ever exist…it would hurt and those comments do just that, especially when I am so outspoken about our firstborn son.

We’ve been hesitant to share the gender for that reason. We just aren’t ready to hear the inevitable well-intended, yet hurtful, comments.

2. I have an irrational fear that I simply cannot carry boys.

This is my 4th pregnancy. I do not know the gender of the first baby I miscarried because I chose not to be told that information (part of me is very tempted to go back and find out now, though). My second pregnancy was a boy who was inexplicably stillborn. My third pregnancy was twin girls who made it here safe and sound.

Obviously, I KNOW gender doesn’t play a role in pregnancy outcomes, but that doesn’t stop my overthinking mind from going there based on my prior experiences.

So, what’s our son’s name?

Our second son’s name is Rowan Scott.

Scott is my father-in-law’s middle name and Hubby wanted to carry on that tradition. Hubby thought it was only fitting that our second son have ties to his side of the family since our first son, Asher, has a middle name tied to my family. Asher’s middle name is Ray, after my father and grandfather. However, fun fact, after finalizing Rowan’s name, we learned that Hubby’s grandfather’s first name was Raymond (he went by his middle name when he was alive). Scott also happens to be my brother’s name, so really both of our boys have ties to both sides of our families with their middle names, which is kind of cool.

We chose an R name because all of our children’s first initials will spell ASHR, or Asher. It’s a nice way to still acknowledge our firstborn with his younger siblings.

My mind goes back and forth between the idea that we didn’t get pregnant after 18 months of trying just to lose another baby AND the idea that there are no guarantees in life.

I’ve seen it happen to others.

I’ve seen the rug be pulled out from under them.

It’s scary and when it’s been your reality once, you know it can happen again.

Life can be unnecessarily cruel and painful.

I feel very disconnected from this pregnancy and I know that’s because this baby is a boy. As excited as I am, I am afraid to really lean into it because I am afraid of losing another baby, especially another boy, since I already know what it’s like to lose one.

At the same time, it’s not fair to this little boy to keep him a secret and not celebrate his life, like we did with his older sisters. So, I am forcing myself to do small things to celebrate this pregnancy and him. Finalizing his name and making his matching letter was a big step. We’ve cleared out the guest room and are starting to rearrange things in our home for his, hopefully, safe arrival. Planning and organizing his room has given me something hopeful to focus on, some joy to go with the overwhelming fear.

We are just over 24 weeks now, more than halfway, and yet it still feels like an entire lifetime to go.

I can feel him wiggle now, which is both reassuring and terrifying. Every kick I get is reassuring and every lull is terrifying.

Pregnancy after loss is complicated, as is so much of life after losing a child.

Just one day at a time.

It’s all I can do.