20 Months

Tomorrow marks 20 months since Asher was born.  It’s crazy how much life has changed in that time, specifically the last 7 weeks.  I’ve said before that the guilt of parenting after loss is very real.  My time has been consumed by his little sisters and I’ve found myself having less time to spend with him.

Today though, something special arrived.  Last year, I was able to be a part of a book called “From Mother to Mother: On the Loss of a Child” by Emily R. Long.  I had contributed a letter written to other loss moms.  This year, Emily was doing another version, but this time written by loss fathers.  Hubby contributed a letter and the published book, “Fathers Speak: On the Death of a Child“,  arrived today, almost 20 months after we became loss parents.  

I read Hubby’s letter to other fathers and cried.  His words are so heartfelt and describe his feelings as a loss father.  I’m so proud of him for taking the time to submit a letter; to share his feelings when I know it is so hard for him.  Men tend to bottle up their feelings, especially when it comes to loss.  He openly admits that he is guilty of that with the loss of Asher.  He keeps his grief hidden, but at times it flows freely.

Asher has made both of his parents published writers.  He has pushed us to do things we never thought we would do. (Well, me at least. Hubby is an English teacher, after all, so it isn’t too far outside of his realm.) The loss of him has instilled a passion in each of us to make his short life matter and to help others who have been forced to join this “club” navigate life after loss.  I have no idea if I will be able to carve out time tomorrow to focus on Asher, on his 20 month birthday. However, if not, I can take comfort knowing I spent time today focusing on Asher while reading the beautiful words his father wrote about him.