Oh, the holiday season…it was once my absolute favorite time of year. Last year, I was filled with hope for our son and our future as a family. I thought of the fact that we would have a 8 month old with us at Christmas this year. It would be a new Christmas for our families. Experiencing it from the other side, seeing your child light up and enjoy your favorite time of year. Watching family spend time with your child. It was supposed to be different. It was supposed to be happy. We were supposed to have a child. Instead this season is filled with sadness, emptiness. The person who was supposed to change our view of the holidays, isn’t here.
I’ve been doing my best to include Asher in our holidays. I remember reading blogs from other loss moms and seeing things mentioned like “the stocking that is missing” or the “name missing on the cards” and I decided that I was not going to let him be missing. Asher was here and is still a member of our family. I won’t have things missing because he isn’t here. I won’t have him forgotten.
Recently, I met up with my college roommate for lunch and was gifted a stocking for
Asher. She said that stockings were the first things she got for her children and she wanted me to have one for him. (I had already purchased a small stocking for Asher and sewn an “A” on it, but the one she gave me was SO much better.) I cried when she gave it to me in the restaurant. (Crying in public is just another common occurrence for me now.) She cried with me too. ❤ I love that she thought he should still have a stocking, even though he isn’t here. When I hung that stocking up, I cried. It just wasn’t supposed to be this way. He was supposed to be here and I was supposed to fill that stocking for him on Christmas. However, I am so happy that he has a stocking and is represented as part of our family.
Decorating has been difficult. I have a little Santa that is on a spring and he bounces when touched. Hubby loves it. When he put it on the shelf, he tapped it to make it bounce and giggled. I told him I could just see Asher playing that with that. Putting it on the floor in front of him and watching him smack the Santa and giggle as it bounces around. It was nice to envision him with us, but killed me because he isn’t. I will never get that moment with him. Putting up the tree was another challenge. Asher has so
many beautiful ornaments. Many were given to us as gifts. He has a traditional “Baby’s First Christmas” ornament that my mother bought for him last year when I was pregnant. She was going to give it to me at my shower that was scheduled for two weeks after we lost him (if that doesn’t just break your heart, I don’t know what will). Hanging those ornaments on the tree was difficult. Tears filled my eyes as I found the perfect place for each one of his ornaments. It makes me happy that he is, again, represented on our family tree, but heart breaking that he isn’t here to celebrate that holiday with us.
Going into this holiday season, I am trying my best to stay positive and to do whatever I can to have Asher included. He has his “Baby’s first Christmas” ornaments, his own stocking, his name is on our Christmas cards, and I was even able to get his photo taken with Santa. I am doing all that I can to include him in the traditional “Baby’s First Christmas” things and to have him included in our own family celebrations. Of course, it’s not the same. It’s not what it should be. I should have a baby with me this Christmas but my arms are empty. I will try my best to keep my head up, but obviously, it will be hard. The holidays just amplify the loss of him and the fact that we are not yet pregnant with a sibling for Asher. My favorite time of year is tainted, along with every other day, by the fact that my beautiful baby boy is not with us.