Can we catch a break?!

My hope since losing Asher, was that I would be pregnant by his first birthday. The idea of that date is one that fills me with such sadness. It will be marking the fact that an entire year has passed since my son was born, silent and still. Being pregnant by his first birthday, would mean that at least something good has happened in this completely shitty year. It would mean that there is some hope left. Hope that we can have a living child and that maybe something could finally go right for us.

We are three months away from Asher’s first birthday and it is starting to become apparent that being pregnant by his first birthday is not going to happen. Last month the injectable cycle didn’t work. We had planned on doing it again this month. Remember I said I had that stupid hope that maybe I would be pregnant before Christmas? Well, that hope has been demolished. Wednesday I had my baseline ultrasound to start the next cycle. While poking around in there, the ultrasound tech noticed a cyst on my right ovary. After further poking, the final tally came to a total of 5 cysts between my two ovaries; two on my left and 3 on my right. She looked at my chart and saw that last cycle I had about 5 or 6 follicles that were fairly large and close to being mature. She said that would explain why I have so many.

From what I understand these cysts are not uncommon with this treatment. The ultrasound tech said sometimes after ovulation the follicles release their fluid and then sometimes fill back up, causing these cysts. They can’t do an injectable cycle with them because they can’t tell what is a follicle responding to the medication and what is a cyst. Typically these cysts resolve on their own. They can prescribe birth control pills to kind of speed the process up. The doctor said there is about an 85% chance they will resolve in a month on birth control and a 75% chance they will without birth control.  I opted to forego the birth control this month.

So what does this all mean? It means that either way, we can’t do any treatments this month. We can still “try” on our own, but no assistance from the fertility doctor. Trying on our own has basically gotten us nowhere up until this point, so it means wasting one of the three months we have left before Asher’s first birthday. It means the chances of us conceiving before we have to deal with the one year mark of our son’s death and birth, are even lower. It is bad enough that we are back here, but now we can’t do anything except to wait until the next time my cycle starts to see if the cysts are gone. If not, we may have to wait another month.  It’s ironic that the treatment I did to get pregnant didn’t work, and now it is preventing me from doing it again!

My hope is fading. Asher’s first birthday is just looming out there in the near distant future. I know that if I don’t have any hope of another baby by that day, I am going to lose another huge piece of myself, that I don’t think I will be able to get back. I am going to lose my hope. I am going to lose that tiny glimmer I have of bringing home a sibling for Asher. I am going to lose any optimism I may have. I am going to retreat within myself and I don’t know if I will ever return. There is only so much devastation that a person can take before they give up all hope. A year of living without my child and no hope of another one, seems like it will be just enough awful in one year to do that to me.😔

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12 thoughts on “Can we catch a break?!

  1. Jenna says:

    Oh friend, sending you so much love 💙 The year mark is such a big milestone. And I know the hope is fading fast … it’s just cruel you are faced with this after the loss of Asher. Try, as tough as it may be, to keep that flame of hope burning; even if softly. And if it’s too hard I’ll be here to send you all be hope you need. You are meant to parent a living child 💙 You ARE a great Mom and the next child will be incredibly lucky to have you as a Mom, too. 💙

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Lizzie Woods says:

    My heart breaks for you, and while I know there’s nothing anyone can say or do to make it better, know that we’re hoping with you, and praying for you. I’m sorry you have to go through so much heartache and pain, 😦 Sending lots of love to you today. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Joli says:

    Oh hun, I’m in the same boat. Jonah’s one year is in January, and we’ve been trying since May with one chemical pregnancy. I was just thinking about it yesterday, how I can’t believe it’s going to be a year and we’re still not pregnant again. It’s so, so hard. Here for you, and with you ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Gavin's Mom says:

    My heart, it aches for you (for all of us). I am so sorry that you will miss out on on this month of trying. Time is weird, and more than normal since baby loss. It creeps up and all of a sudden you look back and wonder where the time went. I am hopeful that after this holiday you will be granted your wish, your dream of being pregnant again!

    and thank you for being so vulnerable with your blog. It really made me cry today. For you and selfishly for myself too. It brought forth some thoughts that I had not thought of regarding the year timeline. My son was born still in August and I knew we wanted to try again pretty quickly. I recently told my partner I wanted to take a few months off from trying because I didn’t want the due dates to be the same. I know this hurt him, but its what feels right in my heart right now. It’s like our lives are subconsciously governed by a new time – that time that surrounds the loss of our babies.

    <333 I'll keep you in my thoughts. xo

    Liked by 1 person

    • doggiebagsnotdiaperbags says:

      Thank you for your kind words. ♥️ It’s difficult to decide when you are ready. We started right away because it took us so long to get Asher and it seems to be taking long again. Whenever you do start trying again, I wish you the best of luck!

      Like

  5. Crystal S says:

    I can understand all of this so so much. I wanted to be pregnant by my daughters one year and I wasn’t. TTC after a loss is so hard especially when you see everyone around you blink and get pregnant. I’ll be thinking of you and sending you so much love xx

    Liked by 1 person

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