My hope since losing Asher, was that I would be pregnant by his first birthday. The idea of that date is one that fills me with such sadness. It will be marking the fact that an entire year has passed since my son was born, silent and still. Being pregnant by his first birthday, would mean that at least something good has happened in this completely shitty year. It would mean that there is some hope left. Hope that we can have a living child and that maybe something could finally go right for us.
We are three months away from Asher’s first birthday and it is starting to become apparent that being pregnant by his first birthday is not going to happen. Last month the injectable cycle didn’t work. We had planned on doing it again this month. Remember I said I had that stupid hope that maybe I would be pregnant before Christmas? Well, that hope has been demolished. Wednesday I had my baseline ultrasound to start the next cycle. While poking around in there, the ultrasound tech noticed a cyst on my right ovary. After further poking, the final tally came to a total of 5 cysts between my two ovaries; two on my left and 3 on my right. She looked at my chart and saw that last cycle I had about 5 or 6 follicles that were fairly large and close to being mature. She said that would explain why I have so many.
From what I understand these cysts are not uncommon with this treatment. The ultrasound tech said sometimes after ovulation the follicles release their fluid and then sometimes fill back up, causing these cysts. They can’t do an injectable cycle with them because they can’t tell what is a follicle responding to the medication and what is a cyst. Typically these cysts resolve on their own. They can prescribe birth control pills to kind of speed the process up. The doctor said there is about an 85% chance they will resolve in a month on birth control and a 75% chance they will without birth control. I opted to forego the birth control this month.
So what does this all mean? It means that either way, we can’t do any treatments this month. We can still “try” on our own, but no assistance from the fertility doctor. Trying on our own has basically gotten us nowhere up until this point, so it means wasting one of the three months we have left before Asher’s first birthday. It means the chances of us conceiving before we have to deal with the one year mark of our son’s death and birth, are even lower. It is bad enough that we are back here, but now we can’t do anything except to wait until the next time my cycle starts to see if the cysts are gone. If not, we may have to wait another month. It’s ironic that the treatment I did to get pregnant didn’t work, and now it is preventing me from doing it again!
My hope is fading. Asher’s first birthday is just looming out there in the near distant future. I know that if I don’t have any hope of another baby by that day, I am going to lose another huge piece of myself, that I don’t think I will be able to get back. I am going to lose my hope. I am going to lose that tiny glimmer I have of bringing home a sibling for Asher. I am going to lose any optimism I may have. I am going to retreat within myself and I don’t know if I will ever return. There is only so much devastation that a person can take before they give up all hope. A year of living without my child and no hope of another one, seems like it will be just enough awful in one year to do that to me.😔