For the inquiring minds…

Since my last post was about trying to conceive, I figured I would share the results of that trying with you all.  The answer to the question, am I pregnant, is a big, fat, flipping, NO.  IMG_2105Negative once again.  I’m not quite sure why I thought this month would be any different than the last 8 months of my life.  Oh… wait.  I know! Because I spent this month giving myself injections, going to multiple doctor appointments, having multiple ultrasounds done, having blood work taken every two days, being inseminated by the doctor, and using progesterone suppositories 3 x a day for the last two weeks.  That’s why!

But the results are the same as the last 8 months.  Hubby and I both tell ourselves that we know it’s negative, before even taking the test.  Why get our hopes up?  I tell myself I know it’s not going to work, but every time I have to take that test, that 1% of hope that the outcome would be different this time is always there. I tell myself I have no hope. It is easier not to have hope than to keep having it decimated every month.  However, it’s still always there.  It may be small but it is always there.

Hubby hates that I use dollar store pregnancy tests, but I’m cheap and they test for the same hormones as the expensive brands.  I always say why spend $8 on something to tell me I’m not pregnant when I can spend $1 for the same thing.  (Am I right?!🤷🏼‍♀️)When I was pregnant before, I had gotten a positive on every dollar store test.  There was a faint line, but the second line was there.   Even now after looking at this clearly negative test, I think, well maybe the blood work tomorrow will show something different. IT WON’T! I am 14 days post ovulation, not 7 days before my missed period, if it is negative now, it will be negative tomorrow.  GO AWAY HOPE! STOP MESSING WITH MY BRAIN! 😖

While I’m angry, frustrated, and just basically depressed about it all, that flipping hope is still there!  I literally was writing in my journal when I thought to myself “maybe next month I get the best Christmas gift ever and become pregnant”.  WTF is wrong with me?!  It’s that damn hope! No matter how hard I try to keep it away, it comes right back.  So, we will take the disappointment this month has given and be angry about it. (Because, gosh darn it, we are allowed to! I mean how much disappointment can two people take?!).  Then we will go back to injectables next month.  Why?  Because we want a living child and, no matter how much we say we don’t have it, the hope that we will one day have one is always there.

P1010613

This flower stayed in our garden when all the rest died.  Hubby said it made him think of Asher.  I felt the same way, but I also think it perfectly summarizes hope.  Even when you think it is dead and gone, a little always remains.❤️

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