Recently, I had a dream that I was pregnant. I was full term and in labor. I was laying in the hospital bed and kept asking the doctor to put the fetal monitors on my stomach to monitor my baby while I had contractions. The doctor refused to do this. I knew it meant that my baby didn’t have a heartbeat. Then I woke up. It was awful. It wasn’t just a dream, it was a nightmare. The sad part about it is that I already lived that nightmare. I lived that moment where I was told my baby no longer had a heartbeat.
Since losing Asher, I have not had any pregnant dreams (that I can remember). This one popped up because we have started fertility treatment again. We are aggressively pursuing a pregnancy and now the possibility of being pregnant again is messing with my mind. In our situation with Asher, I have no reason as to why his precious heart stopped beating. No clotting disorder diagnosis, nothing wrong with him genetically, no infection or virus, nothing. So there is literally NOTHING that I can do to prevent the same outcome in any subsequent pregnancies I may have.
Some people who are diagnosed with clotting disorders have treatments to prevent a similar outcome; some take baby aspirin while pregnant, others do shots throughout the pregnancy. There is at least something that changes from the pregnancy where they lost their child to a subsequent pregnancy. While I’m sure any pregnancy after a loss is terrifying, those with a clotting disorder would have a little reassurance that something is being done to prevent this outcome from happening a second time. While I’m glad I don’t have a clotting a disorder (I would’ve been irate that I wasn’t tested for it in my pre-natal blood work to prevent the loss of my son. I think it should be standard pre-natal blood work.), it means I have nothing to help prevent this outcome from happening again. Many people who have a reason for their loss can’t prevent it from happening again with subsequent pregnancies. Sometimes these things just happen and there is nothing to do to stop them from doing so.
This life offers no guarantees. Just because I have already had a miscarriage and a stillborn son, doesn’t mean I can’t lose another child. It doesn’t give me a free pass for future heartache. (How I so wish that it did.) I’ve seen it happen to way too many people in the loss community and too many friends. After you lose a child, you know that nothing is safe. You would think that your unborn or newborn baby would never die and yet they have. It happened once, whose to say it can’t happen again? It’s terrifying and the fact that we are moving forward with fertility treatments to try and have another child, makes that point abundantly clear.