Today is my 29th birthday. The last one before the big 3-0. I have had absolutely no desire to celebrate this day. As I have gotten older, birthdays have become less and less exciting. 27 was not good to me. I struggled with infertility and had a miscarriage. I faced a lot of fears that year; needle phobia, doctors, surgery. Up until that point, it was the hardest year of my life. However, 28 managed to top that. I went from grieving my miscarriage, to finding out I was pregnant with my son, to losing my son, to giving birth to him stillborn, to grieving the loss of him. The last two years of my life have gone from bad to the absolute worst. I may only be turning 29 but I feel like I have aged 20 years. I feel heavy. I carry a weight around that most people will never experience in their lives nor understand. I was given this weight when I was 28 years old and it is something that I will carry with me for the entirety of my life. Over time, I will learn to carry it better but it will ALWAYS be there. I’m not even 30, and I carry a burden that most never will.
Leading up to today people have asked me about my birthday; what do you want to do, are you taking off of work, doing anything fun, etc.. My reply to all of the above is nothing/no. I want to pretend like it is no different than yesterday. I didn’t expect to be so emotional about it. But honestly, the thought of celebrating without Asher breaks me. A MASSIVE piece of me is missing along with him. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry about it. This is not something that a 29 year old should be dealing with. Yet, here I am. A bereaved and broken mother at 29. I see my peers having their second and third children, while I’m over here mourning the loss of my only child. It’s unfair and on certain days the unfairness of it all hits me harder than others. They say certain days are harder than others when grieving the loss of a loved one. However, I wasn’t expecting my birthday to be one of those “harder” days. It hasn’t been a day I placed a lot of emphasis on since turning 21. Yet, today it is a milestone reminder of where my life should be by 29 and where it actually is. There should be a little boy in my home filling it with happiness. Instead, it’s quiet (except for when Murphy “yells” at me to get him treats or play with him). It’s a reminder of the piece that is and will always be missing.
Luckily, my life is filled with amazing people who wouldn’t let me pretend this day didn’t exist. I came into work with a card and cookies from my coworkers. My phone blew up all day with calls and texts from family and friends. My Facebook feed was flooded with “Happy Birthdays”. I got to spend time with all of my boys. Hubby and I went to dinner. I cuddled with Murphy and was even graced with the visit of a lone butterfly on Asher’s bush. I checked the bush every time I went outside today for a sign from him and after dinner, there he was.
Hubby did everything in his power to try and make this day better for me. He wasn’t supposed to get me anything because he organized that whole “let’s buy a Piano for her” thing back in March. But of course, he didn’t listen. I come home to find that he had rearranged the entire second bedroom. He bought me a table to set up my Cricut machine and computer to work on things for The Lucky Anchor Project. Before, I was working on the floor of the bedroom and now I have a nice workstation. He even bought picture frames for the room and had a photo of Asher in there with a vase of fake flowers for me. I am truly blessed to be married to such a wonderful man and to have him by my side no matter what. The best part is that the gift is really for me to continue to do things in memory of Asher, which means everything to me.
As much as I wanted to pretend this day wasn’t a special day, I couldn’t. I have too many wonderful people in my life who wouldn’t allow me to do that. Thank you to everyone who took the time to wish me a “Happy Birthday”. It means a lot. I shall now end this post with one of the cutest photos I have ever taken of my Murph Murph! 🙂