I just arrived home from a week long vacation with my family. I figured while the multiple loads of laundry are being done (insert face palm emoji here), I would write about our trip. Here is a little background. My father booked this vacation back in October. Typically, we go on vacation the second week of July. Since I was pregnant and due in April, we knew my leave would be from April to July. My family moved up vacation so I could go while still on leave. Of course, life didn’t turn out as we had planned. As much as I was looking forward to going, I was reminded that all of the dreams I had of having Asher there with us were never going to happen. It was going to be his first family vacation and I was so looking forward to seeing my family interact with him for a week. I knew it was going to be a good break but also a reminder of what should’ve been.
Leaving for vacation
Prior to leaving our house, I cried. Obviously, I am really emotionally attached to my dog ( I have never tried to hide that on this blog) but it has become way worse since losing Asher. He really is a sort of emotional support dog for me. He always makes me smile and leaving him hurt my heart. (We had friends stay at the house all week to give him lots of love and cuddles in our absence.) I also felt weird about leaving Asher’s ashes. I know he isn’t there but our new normal has been going into his room twice a day to say “good morning” and “goodnight”. Going on vacation meant we weren’t able to do that. The combination of both overwhelmed me and the tears flowed.
The time with my family was wonderful. We have all had a rough year with the loss of Asher and we all needed this break together. We spent a lot of time at the pool and did a lot of eating. Basically, the whole trip revolved around swimming, eating, drinking, playing games, and reading. The combination of all 5 make for a fun, relaxing time.
We always like to get fun floats for the pool. These were this year’s choices.
I did still cry each day over something about Asher, but only by myself or with my husband. The rest of the family had no idea. Even though Asher wasn’t with us, he was. He was in the cardinals that constantly flew by the house all day. He was in the butterflies that were fluttering about all over the property. He was in the rainbow after the storm at dinner. He was in the laughter we all shared while playing games and spending time together. One afternoon I stepped out of the shower and heard a really loud cardinal. I thought to myself, “he must be right out there in that tree”. I looked and sitting on the branch right next to the window was a bright red cardinal. I knew it was him. He was always with us.
The 🌈 after the storm at dinner and a butterfly that let me pick it up.
As wonderful as it was to have him there, I still felt his absence. The home we stayed at had two horses on the property. I fed them each day. Every time I went to the barn, I thought of how wonderful it would’ve been to have Asher there to show him the horses. To see his face light up at the new animal he had never seen before. I imagined him floating in the pool with his Daddy and giggling at how silly his Daddy was being. I had imagined that whole vacation with my son when we booked it. Even though I could feel him there, I so desperately wanted him physically there with us. I wanted the vacation I imagined, but I will never get that.
After getting home, I went upstairs to his room. I said hello to my son and placed the teddy bear I took with me back into his crib. I had a great week with my family on vacation. It’s not often that we all get to spend time together because of our conflicting schedules. It was nice to have a break. But that doesn’t mean that I got a break from the incredible loss we have all experienced this year. Asher and the loss of him weighs on my mind constantly.