Today marks 4 months without Asher. That is 1/3 of a year, 120 days exactly. How have we gone through 1/3 of a year without him?! I ask myself every month how it has been as long as it has and yet as time goes on, we are going to get further and further away from his birth. We only get further away from the moment that we held him in our arms. It breaks my heart.
Month 4 was the first month that I went a day without crying. It was the Saturday of Memorial Day weekend. I was busy that day with a picnic and my brother visiting us that I never had a trigger moment to induce tears. Of course, I still thought of Asher that day, as I do every day, but that was the first and only day without a tear since losing him. I felt horrible about it. I know I shouldn’t, but crying over him has been my normal for the last few months. So, not crying felt wrong, like I’m not grieving him anymore. Which I know isn’t true, I will be grieving the loss of my child for the rest of my life. I will always be missing a piece of myself, whether I cry about it or not.
Month 4 also brought a massive breakdown for me. Now when I say that I cry every day, that means shed a tear, well up, or legit cry. But it had been quite some time since I had a full on emotional breakdown. Hubby was gone for the day at a bachelor party. I was listening to music in the shower and suddenly, I was overwhelmed with emotion and just lost it. I full on bawled my eyes out for awhile. The rest of the day I was emotionally on edge. Anything could trigger more tears. It was a rough one and the first breakdown in awhile, but I know it won’ be the last.
Month 4 also brought along Father’s Day. As you can see from his post it was a day he was not looking forward to. Thankfully for Hubby, he does not have any social media so he didn’t have to see all the Father’s Day posts. I asked him if he wanted to do anything special and he said he didn’t want to do different than we do on a normal Sunday (aka play video games and do laundry). On Saturday, he got to spend the day at a baseball game with my brother, my dad, and my dad’s friend. He said while he was there Asher was with him.ad it’s first bloom. The bud was there on Saturday, but it opened on Father’s Day. We know that it was Asher letting Hubby know that he was with him on a difficult day and that he loves him.
Thank you to everyone who texted/messaged me/Hubby wishing him a “Happy Father’s Day” yesterday. It meant a lot to him and me that he was acknowledged. He is still a father and he is such an amazing one to our son. Acknowledging this day for him is also acknowledging Asher, which is everything to us.