Asher’s Playlist

After losing Asher, I stopped listening to music for a couple weeks.  I love music and something about listening to it after losing him felt really wrong.  I couldn’t do it.   It was part of the guilt of going back to what I did before our world was turned upside down.  I still haven’t been able to go back to listening to my favorite radio morning show.  I think I am holding off on that because it is the last thing I can control going back to “normal” since losing him.  Eventually, I did gradually allow myself to listen to music.  But the only music I would listen to is music that made me think of him.  I started slow with a few different songs I found on the Queen B Project’s website.  Then I started to add songs from my own music library.  Songs that remind me of him, give me hope, or remind me of Hubby.  Gradually the list grew and I created my own little “Asher” playlist.  Music is my coping mechanism.  I need to listen to it on a daily basis.  It helped me with my miscarriage and it has helped me deal with my feelings after losing Asher.

I’ve decided to share my playlist with you all.  Hopefully, it will help others struggling.  A lot of the songs from my infertility playlist also apply to the loss of Asher/hope for the future. Some of the songs I found from the Queen B Project’s website and Still Standing Magazines list.  I linked the songs on YouTube and also pulled out the lyrics that mean the most to me.

SONGS THAT MAKE ME THINK OF ASHER/THE LOSS OF HIM:

“my love embraces you long after we have said our goodbyes”

“Beloved Child My heart is yours”

“So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life”

“I could hold you
For a million years
To make you feel my love”

“Somehow I ended up here
I don’t wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan”

“In the blink of an eye, it can change your life.
And it never even slows down.”

“’Cause here on earth it feels like everything good is missing since you left
And here on earth everything’s different, there’s an emptiness”

“Oh, please don’t go
Let me have you just one moment more”

“And even though it all went wrong
I’ll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah”

  • Joanne” by Lady Gaga (When I was pregnant, he always moved around to Lady Gaga)

“Heaven’s not
Ready for you
Every part
Of my aching heart
Needs you more
Than the angels do”

“Be still and know that I’m with you
Be still and know that I am here”

“Where pleasure moments hung before
The takeover
The sweeping insensitivity of this
Still life”

“You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here”

“I fall to pieces, I’m falling
Fell to pieces and I’m still falling”

“I’ll find my own way back
Back to the past tense”

“Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on”

  • For Good” by Idina Menzel and Kristin Chenowith

“You’ll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart”

“I can’t pretend these tears
Aren’t overflowing steadily
I can’t prevent this hurt from
Almost overtaking me
But I will stand and say goodbye”

“I’ll take this piece of you
And hold for all eternity
For just one second I felt whole
As you flew right through me”

” Life ain’t always what you think it oughta be, no
Ain’t even grey, but she buries her baby
The sharp knife of a short life,”

“All I wanted was you”

“Although the sun will never shine the same
I’ll always look to a brighter day”

” Nobody said it was easy
It’s such a shame for us to part”

“Once you leave me you were really gone
Give me something to remember you by
All that’s here is what you left behind”

“But you are gone- not for good but for now
Gone for now feels a lot like gone for good”

“But you’re gone away and you left me far behind
You’re gone away, can’t get you outta my mind
You’re gone, away, and I am here to stay
Away”

“Is this the end of everything we know?
This is the end of everything I am”

SONGS THAT REMIND ME OF HUBBY:

“When the pain cuts you deep
When the night keeps you from sleeping
Just look and you will see
That I will be your remedy”

“When my heart feels naked
No strength, too weak
I could use some saving
And you’re love’s so strong”

“It’s not losing it all
If we have each other
In the end it’s all
In the end it’s all that matters”

SONGS THAT REMIND ME OF THE SUPPORT WE RECEIVED:

“No, we can’t carry this for you
But you can stand if you want to
Or fall if you want to
I do feel the same as you”

“For all the air that’s in your lungs
For all the joy that is to come
For all the things that you’re alive to feel
Just let the pain remind you hearts can heal”

“Tell me all your secrets, tell me all your fears
I won’t push you away, I’ll only pull you near
No I won’t judge you
And I’ll help you through”

SONGS THAT GIVE ME HOPE:

“I’ll rise up
In spite of the ache
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousands times again
For you”

“And the blood of these veins isn’t pumping any less than it ever has
And that’s the hope I have the only thing I know that’s keeping me alive”

I’ve always said that my kids would grow up listening to my music. I would not be listening to lullabies in the car or kids versions of popular songs. My children would grow up listening to a variety of music from the get-go. Asher got to listen to my eclectic taste in music while in utero. He would wiggle way more to certain songs and artists than others. He loved Lady Gaga and Anberlin. A lot of the songs on this list are ones I’ve always listened to, but they took on a new meaning after losing Asher. I’d like to think that he would’ve been like his mommy and music would mean as much to him as it does for me.❤️

IMG_3695

Bought this frame a week before he passed. It went so well with his room. My little Squirt, always and forever. 🐳❤️

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3 thoughts on “Asher’s Playlist

  1. JD says:

    Hey there,
    This is Jess again. I work with Steve and you and I exchanged a few emails right after you lost Asher. I still think of you often and I wondered if you have heard the song “Beam me up” by Pink? It’s one I have listened to many times for different reasons and I thought you might be able to find comfort in it as well. ❤
    Jess

    Liked by 1 person

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