Today is our 5 year anniversary. We celebrated the milestone by going away lastweekend to the beach. Originally we didn’t plan on going anywhere because we were supposed to have a newborn, but things changed and we decided we deserved the time away. Asher was never far from our thoughts and reminders of him were all around. He gave us wonderful weather and greeted us upon arrival by sending a cardinal to visit. I got a henna tattoo for him and am seriously considering making it permanent. It was a nice change of pace to get away with Hubby for a few days and celebrate 5 years.
Five years ago, we had the wedding of my dreams. I married the first and only love of my life (yes, I am that girl!). I was only 23 (only two months shy of my 24th birthday, I like to round up because I feel like 23 makes me a child bride. LOL) and Hubby was 25. Looking back, I realize how naïve I was. I had this grand plan for my life and basically nothing has gone according to that plan. I was going to be a teacher. I couldn’t find a teaching job, now I work in an office (I do love my new career but not what I expected to be doing). We were going to get a house, get a dog, and when I felt we were financially stable, have babies. That was the plan. We did get a house and a dog (moved in and brought home Murphy on the same day) and that was where everything stopped going according to plan. Once we were ready for kids, it never happened. We struggled for a year and half to get a positive.
Our 5th year of marriage has been plagued with the highest of highs and the absolute lowest of lows. This day last year marked the start of our 5th year. We celebrated the fact that we were pregnant and finally expecting our first child. Only for that happiness to be shattered five days later when the ultrasound showed the heart rate dropped and confirmed we would miscarry. I had a D&C the same month to remove the pregnancy and faced another one of my fears, IVs and surgical procedures. Then we went on to get a positive again in August and were terrified of losing a second pregnancy. Those first 12 weeks were nerve-wracking but once we made it past that, we thought we were out of the woods. Being pregnant for those 8 months was amazing. We celebrated him with a gender reveal and brainstormed names. We were getting our home ready for our little man and finally able to feel the joy of having a child. Finally, something good had happened to us and we were so happy about it. The high of that pregnancy was followed by the absolute lowest low of losing our precious boy. Not only did we lose him, he still needed to be brought into the world, which was another blow to our suffering and seemed like the cruelest form of torture.
This 5th year of marriage has literally put us through the ringer. It has been one of the happiest and the most devastating years of our lives. Sometimes losses like these can wreck marriages and tear people apart. But I can honestly say, as cliché as it sounds, that it has made us closer. We have been through it all together. We have been through some of the toughest losses that a couple can face. Many people don’t ever experience miscarriages, let alone the death of a child. Yet, we experienced both within a 10 month span. I know it has been hard for Hubby to watch me go through all that I have had to. He couldn’t take away any of the physical pain and procedures I had to go through with my miscarriage and delivering Asher. While he couldn’t do anything but watch, he has been my constant companion and support through it all. When we came home from the hospital, he did everything for me. I was perfectly capable of walking and moving around, but he insisted on helping me up the stairs and getting me anything I needed to make me feel more comfortable. He let me sit and cry with my friends over Asher, while he prepared the table for us to eat lunch and he waited until we gathered ourselves together to say anything about eating. For crying out loud, the man surprised me with a piano after losing Asher because I wouldn’t touch my old hobbies. He knew it was something I always wanted and that it would be a new hobby to learn and distract me from our loss. He put me first, before himself and his own suffering, to make sure I was as good as I could be in that moment. He was/is amazing.
OPEN LETTER TO MY HUBBY
I love you with all my heart. You have been my rock and support through everything. You have pushed me to face my fears and held my hand every step of the way. We have been through a lot, more than most, but we are only stronger because of it. Our losses have helped us to be more open with our feelings and thoughts. We have been communicating better and have been more open with everything. I won’t pretend that our marriage is perfect. You can annoy me at times (especially when you snooze the alarm 3-4 times and wake me up an hour before I need to be up! J), just as I can annoy you with my constant questions (like last night when we watched Suicide Squad). 😊 But you always know how to make me laugh and to put a smile on my face. When I met you 9 years ago at our summer jobs, I never would’ve thought we would be where we are today. I knew there was something special about you and I was right. You are hilarious and outgoing. Mr. Sociable. You are a wonderful, kind, caring person. You have put my feelings before you own, especially with the loss of Asher. I know the loss of him hit me as hard as you. It killed me to see you hurting. I know it was doubly hard for you to watch me deliver our son knowing what the outcome was going to be and seeing me in physical pain, unable to do anything about it.
I know that you had so many hopes and dreams for Asher that were ripped away. It kills me to know that I will never see you throw the ball with him or fall asleep on the sofa with him lying next to you. Or sharing your love of video games with our son (starting him out with the classics first, of course). Even though, we have lost out on all those opportunities, you are still his father and you are a wonderful one at that. You loved that little boy fiercely and you will continue to do so for the rest of your life. Your willingness to be a part of anything you can to honor and share Asher shows just that. You spend time with him every day, just sitting in his room with him. He knows you love him.
We have been dealt the worst hand there is, but we will get through it. We will only be stronger because of it. If we can make it through this, there isn’t anything we can’t handle. As I look at our future, I have no idea what is in store, and I’ve learned that planning means nothing. The only thing I know for sure, is that I will be facing that future with you. I love you so much!