Yesterday was Asher’s due date. It was a day we were waiting for since we found out I was pregnant in August. Of course, the tone of that anticipation changed on February 19. It went from excitement to meet our son to dread knowing he would no longer be expected in April. When we left the hospital, I remember our nurse telling us that certain dates were going to be really hard for us, his due date being one of them. I remember thinking that day was so far away, but it came rather quickly.
Hubby and I both took off yesterday. We were not going to work on a day that was supposed to mean so much to us. I woke up yesterday to several texts from family and friends (and received several more throughout the day) telling me they were thinking of us. In the morning, all three of our nurses from the hospital came to be with us. It meant so much that they remembered this date, took off of work, and came to spend time with us. They were 3 of the 9 people who actually got to see Asher during his short time here. I’ve said it before and I will say it again, the three of them were the bright spots in our darkest moment. They took such great care of all of us in the hospital and we are forever grateful that they were there during that time (and that they are still here now). God knew what he was doing when he had those three nurses working that day. They spent a large part of the morning and early afternoon with us, talking about Asher and life in general. It was wonderful to get to know them all better. They knew so much about us and such a defining moment in our lives, that it felt good to get to know them as people and not just our wonderful nurses. Not only did they stay and visit with us, but they brought us a butterfly bush and a beautiful painted butterfly that they all signed on the back. We planted the butterfly bush together (or more so watched as one of them insisted on planting it herself) in the garden that Hubby made for Asher. It warms my heart that even though Asher was not here for very long, he left an imprint on the lives of these three women and made them a part of our lives.
After they left, we planted the other plants that we received (after losing him) in the garden (and by “we” I mean Hubby because I don’t do dirt and bugs). It was nice to be able to do something for him on his due date. We still need to fill the garden up with more flowers but we started it and that felt good. I know Hubby felt really good after he created the garden on Sunday. He felt like he was doing something to honor his son.
We went upstairs and just sat in his room with him for a while. Of course, there were tears thinking about what should’ve been and what happened instead. That crib should be filled with a tiny, crying newborn (well, I don’t think he would’ve been that tiny since he was almost 5 pounds at 32 weeks when he was born) and yesterday was the day he was supposed to arrive.
It is really hard to think that we have to start all over again. We were supposed to bring home a child this year and now that is a physical impossibility. There is no way we can bring home a child in 2017. Instead, we have to start back at the beginning to have a SECOND child in order to actually bring one home. I’m terrified we fall back into the infertility game and are forced to resort to IVF if we want another child soon. I would give anything to have Asher back, to have my life the way it SHOULD’VE been. To have this little boy who looked so much like his Daddy in his crib, in our home. His due date brings back all the hopes and excitement that we had and the fact that it was taken away from us, HE was taken away from us. It was a rough afternoon thinking about all of the things that could’ve been with him. We didn’t just lose our son, we lost a lifetime of memories with him. We’ve accepted that God needed Asher for some reason, but it doesn’t make the hurt of losing him any easier.
We are moving forward, because there is nowhere else to go. We can’t go backwards, Lord knows that we would if we could. Just because I am moving forward doesn’t mean that certain days aren’t a challenge for me. His due date was one of them. Mother’s day will be another one. Father’s day will be another. A random Wednesday could be another. There will be good days and bad days as we move forward and figure out this new life. Yesterday was made a little easier by the texts, visit, and cards we received. It meant a lot to know that others remembered this date and the significance that it held for us. Asher has touched so many and I’m hoping that he will be able to touch so many more lives in the future.
Thank you to everyone who thought of us yesterday. It meant a lot to both Hubby and I.