Thursday morning I received a call from the Maternal/Fetal medicine specialist. The last test result we were waiting for was the chromosomal analysis on Asher. I already expected the results to be normal because if something was chromosomal-ly wrong with him, he would not have grown as he did, nor would his ultrasounds have been normal like they were. Of course, that was exactly the answer we got. There was nothing wrong with him. Genetically, he was fine. All my blood work was normal, so we are placed in the unexplained category. Medically, there is no reason why Asher’s heart should’ve stopped beating, yet it did.
During my call with the Fetal Medicine doctor, I asked her if I was tested for the gene mutation MTHFR. It is something that multiple people, who have had stillborns, mentioned to me and I wanted to be sure that was ruled out as well. The doctor advised that one was not tested but she can order those labs for me. After I got off the phone, I went to the lab to have the blood work done. While there, there was a woman with a newborn in the waiting room. My eyes welled up but I held it together and then he was called back to the lab area. Whew, I was ok. I was called next and sat down in the chair, talking to the phlebotomist. As soon as she put the tourniquet on my arm, that newborn started wailing. The tears were instantaneous. I could not control them. I apologized to the phlebotomist and told her it was not the needles, but the baby. The baby started to cry harder and I just unraveled. My heart literally broke. I never got to hear that sound from my son and I never will. I just sat there trying to hold it in but unable to. She finished and let me leave. I burst out of there with my sunglasses on and just lost it in the car. Being out in public is not a safe place for me, yet. There are triggers everywhere. I can feel fine and then something like that can send me into a spiral.
So, how do I feel about this unexplained diagnosis? Good and bad. Good, because I would not have been been able to handle having a clotting disorder that, had it been properly diagnosed and treated during my pregnancy, could’ve prevented this outcome. Good, because there was nothing wrong with Asher. We didn’t give him some genetic issue that we didn’t even know we were carriers of. Bad, because there are no answers. This isn’t the first time we have been unexplained. We had the same diagnosis with our infertility struggle. It’s a double edged sword that word . It means there is no reason why something is or isn’t happening and there is nothing they can do to fix the situation. To me the word “unexplained” means things will be done on God’s time. If we can’t get any medical diagnosis that can be fixed, it means God wanted things to be this way and things will happen when he wants them to, not when we do.
I have to believe that God took Asher for a reason. That reason may never become apparent to us, but I have to believe He wanted Asher more than we did (even though I’m not sure how that could be possible, we wanted him so much). If I allow myself to think this happened for no reason, I would crumble and lose any progress I have made. A coworker sent me a book called “God’s Answers to Life’s Difficult Questions” by Rick Warren. The one chapter in the book is titled “Why is this happening to me?”. That chapter notes that God is not vengeful, he does not do things to punish us. He cannot always prevent bad things from happening, but that he always makes them good. I hope He makes something good out of the loss of Asher. I have to believe that He will and that He is taking care of my son in Heaven.