Support Group and Music

Last night we went to our first local support group. I was excited to meet others who were local and have been through a similar loss.  I was hoping to see others who have been “through it” and were “on the other side of it” to try and have some hope for our future. The group was very small, only two other people besides ourselves and the coordinator (who also suffered a late term loss).  I did find it helpful to share Asher and how we have been coping since his loss.  It was also interesting to see how others were handling their losses several months or years later.  What did I learn from the group?  I learned that everyone has had a similar loss, the loss of a child, but no two stories are alike.  Each person had a different reason for their loss or experience that led to the loss of their child.  I also learned that you never end up “on the other side of it”.  It will always be with you every day for the rest of your life.  Whether it has been 12 years or 2, the loss is still painful and it is still with them. If you have children after suffering a loss, you will still think of the one that should be there and be the older sibling.  Your lives are forever changed in that one moment of loss.  It is not something that you ever “get over”, it is something you just learn to deal with.  The pain will always be there no matter what, time just allows you to learn how to handle that pain in a better way.

During my research of various organizations to support stillborn parents, I came across a play list of several songs on the Queen B Project’s website.  One of them was the Adele song “To Make you Feel my Love”.  It is a song that I absolutely love.  It was my brother-in-law and sister-in-law’s first dance song at their wedding several years ago and I always think of my husband when I hear it.  However, after seeing it on a list of coping songs for parents of stillborns, I couldn’t get the song out of my head. I haven’t listened to any music since Asher passed.  I couldn’t do it.  I knew it would break me.  But I just had to listen to this song after seeing it on the website.  Today I had a hair appointment back in my hometown and I had a 45 minute drive to get there.  I couldn’t get the song out of my head and finally caved.  I pulled out the iPod and put on the song.  It broke me.  Tears just streamed down my face as I choked out the words to the song.  I listened to it on repeat several times and it was the only song I allowed myself permission to listen to on the drive.  It now has a whole new meaning for me.

The lyrics are printed below.  I’ve highlighted the ones that I find the most meaning in.  The lyrics that killed me where the first ones ” I could hold you for a million years”.  Other mothers will be able to do that, hold their child for the rest of their lives.  I only got a few hours to hold my son, and even then, he wasn’t alive.  This song and the parts I’ve highlighted could really apply to any parent when speaking about the love they have for their child.   I don’t need to explain why the lyrics mean something to me because they are simply the way any mother feels about their child.  They would do anything for them and I would’ve done the same for Asher.  Only now, I would do anything to be able to have him back with us and I know that isn’t possible.

Make You Feel My Love (click title for link to song)
By: Adele
When the rain
Is blowing in your face
And the whole world
Is on your case
I could offer you
A warm embrace
To make you feel my love
When the evening shadows
And the stars appear
And there is no one there
To dry your tears
I could hold you
For a million years
To make you feel my love
I know you
Haven’t made
Your mind up yet
But I would never
Do you wrong
I’ve known it
From the moment
That we met
No doubt in my mind
Where you belong
I’d go hungry
I’d go black and blue
I’d go crawling
Down the avenue
No, there’s nothing
That I wouldn’t do
To make you feel my love
The storms are raging
On the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
Though winds of change
Are throwing wild and free
You ain’t seen nothing
Like me yet
I could make you happy
Make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn’t do
Go to the ends
Of the Earth for you
To make you feel my love
Songwriters: Bob Dylan
Make You Feel My Love lyrics © Bob Dylan Music Co.

 

We know that life involves death and that there is a natural order to how that should happen.  Losing a child is not a part of the natural order of things.  You never expect that to happen because it isn’t supposed to.  Children are supposed to outlive their parents, not the other way around.  There is no way to “get over” it and get past it.  It can’t be done.  All that can be done it to learn to cope with the pain.  The hole in your heart that will never go away

IMG_3227

Mommy misses you, sweet Asher.

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One thought on “Support Group and Music

  1. rainbowmc says:

    I know there is no way to get over it. But time will heal and help you feel a little better. One of my coworkers gave birth to stillborn twins at 5 months (5 or 6 years ago) and she said the same thing as you. You never get over the loss, just always have that special place in your heart for Asher. I am glad you found a support group and was able to talk it out.

    Liked by 1 person

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