The Christmas season is my absolute favorite time of year. I love the music, decorations, and my family’s Christmas traditions. Even though it is my favorite time of year, I do not rush it. I am one of those people who are very strict about when to start celebrating. I refuse to decorate or listen to any music until the day after Thanksgiving. After Thanksgiving all bets are off and I am allowed to fully immerse myself in the holiday spirit.
This time last year, I was miserable. I felt like the holidays came and went without me even noticing it. I was bitter and angry, not joyful at all. We were on our second month of fertility treatments and I was struggling. Struggling to put on a happy face and celebrate my favorite time. Last year was the first Christmas that we would have a little one at my in-laws for the holiday, and to be perfectly honest, I was extremely apprehensive about it. Dealing with infertility can make it hard to share in the joy of others and their children. It was hard for me to be happy when I was miserable and crying constantly behind closed doors. (If I recall correctly, I struggled that day to keep the tears hidden and had a bit of a mini-breakdown.) I had a lot of anxiety about Christmas because I wasn’t sure how I would be able to keep it together with the beautiful little reminder of what I wanted so badly right there in front of me. It was a wonderful day spent with family, that we don’t see often, but my heart just wasn’t in it. I just wasn’t into the whole season. I wasn’t me.
This year is a bit different than last. Last year I was struggling with infertility and this year I am pregnant with our little boy. I could dwell on the fact that we lost a baby this year, who would’ve been due this month, but I won’t. I will be happy that we are expecting and that baby is healthy. I will focus on the fact that the loss we experienced in May, helped me to become pregnant with this little boy. I am able to be happy and smile without faking it this year. I am able to enjoy my favorite time of the year. It’s amazing how much can change in 365 days. I have my favorite season back!
I know a few women who are struggling this holiday season. Some that are approaching their one year deadline and will seek medical intervention soon. Some that are waist deep in treatments and procedures with unknowns looming ahead. No matter where you are in the infertility journey, it becomes all consuming. I remember when we were struggling being asked if I thought about infertility every day. The answer is yes. It is something that someone going through it, thinks about on a DAILY basis. Nothing I can say can take that anxiety and fear away. But know, that you are not alone, I was right there. I allowed infertility to ruin my most favorite time of the year. I allowed it to cloud the short amount of time I was able to spend with family who I don’t see often and I very much regret that.
My wish for those of you struggling during this Christmas season is to try and enjoy it. Try to focus on all the good that you DO have instead of the one thing you DON’T (easier said than done, I know). The infertility journey is not an easy one. It’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. A month long wait between cycles can seem like an eternity. The two week wait after an embryo transfer or IUI can seem like years. I felt that way too last year and now this year, I am 6 months pregnant. A lot can happen in a few months so focus on that and enjoy this time with the ones you love. Don’t forget to remember the reason for the season and to thank Him for the blessings you do have and the ones that are yet to come. 🙂
Merry Christmas everyone!