Most of my posts have been positive. I’m trying my hardest to look on the bright side and take the positive out of a pretty crappy situation with the whole miscarriage and infertility stuff. However, as I’ve said before, I am human. The past week or so has been a bit of a struggle for me. I could feel myself withdrawing. If I could, I would avoid situations where I would have to be around children. Sometimes it is hard for me to be around babies knowing I lost one and have been struggling so hard to have one. It is just easier to stay home and avoid it all. I avoided seeing a friend from out of town because I knew someone else would be there with their newborn and I just couldn’t be around another baby. I feel awful about it but I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t sit there and pretend my heart wasn’t breaking by being around a baby, so I thought it would be best for everyone if I avoided it. (Friend, if you are reading this, I’m truly sorry I missed you but I just couldn’t deal that day.)
I am getting to the age where most of my friends have at least one, if not two children. We have gotten to the point, that we no longer hang out as friends anymore. We hang out as mommies with our kids, except I’m not a mommy. I don’t have a child to bring to the get together or discuss various parental trials and tribulations. The only thing I can add is how I had a miscarriage. Most of the time this doesn’t bother me. I’ve accepted our situation and learned that not everyone gets what they want in life. I love all of my friends and spending time with their children because I love them too. In fact to most of their kids, I am known as an aunt. They truly make me happy and I can’t get enough of the heavenly baby smell they all have! But sometimes, in my low moments, it is hard for me to be around other’s kids because it makes me sad. And you know what? That’s ok.
As positive as I am and as great as it may seem that I am handling everything, being around others’ babies is a reminder of the one I lost. Yes, that baby wasn’t meant to be. Yes, it had a genetic issue that didn’t make it viable. Yes, I have accepted all of that and am ok with it. But, that doesn’t change the fact that I had hopes for that baby. I was hoping to join the mommy group and be able to contribute to those conversations. I had pregnancy announcements and nursey designs made up in my head. I thought I was finally going to be able to become a part of the mommy club but unfortunately, that wasn’t the case. Instead, I joined the pregnancy loss club (which is a club that no one WANTS to be a part of). Sometimes, if I really allow myself to think about the crappy hand we have been dealt, I can get lost in it and withdrawal. I found myself doing exactly that over the last week.
Recently, a friend sent me an article for a song called “Thy Will” by Hillary Scott (of Lady Antebellum). In the article Hillary goes on to explain that she wrote the song after suffering a miscarriage. I listened to the song and it is simply perfect. It helped pull me out of my withdrawal funk. It reminded me that I had no control over our situation (or any situation for that matter). It is part of God’s bigger plan. The song reminded me that better things will be coming. So, I have two choices. I can sit here and dwell on the fact that while I have amazing nieces (all my friends and family have had girls), whom I love, I still don’t have a child of my own. Or I can try to remember that God has a bigger plan for us and something good will come from our situation. Today I’m choosing to focus on the possibility of something good. That doesn’t mean that I still won’t have my down moments but for now I’m choosing to focus on the good and this song helps me do just that. (See there I go again, ending on a positive note.) 😊
** Listen to the song, if you have ever had a miscarriage or know someone who is struggling, pass it along. It’s beautiful and perfect. **