Well, the genetic testing results are in from my D&C. The reason for our miscarriage was genetic, which is the most common reason for miscarriages. The baby didn’t develop normally and would not have survived. This is actually good news. It means there is no hormonal issue or anything wrong with me that would lead me to not be able to carry a child in the future. It just means that this outcome was unavoidable. There was nothing that could be done to prevent this from happening. It just happens and it happens with most miscarriages.
A miscarriage is awful. Especially after trying for so long and having to result to fertility treatments, losing that baby is very hard. It wasn’t like it just happened for us after one magical night. We (I) worked hard for that pregnancy. I put my body through a lot of injections, hormones, testing, and exams to get that baby. I worked for a year and a half for that baby. I faced my terrible fear of needles and shed a lot of tears for that baby. I fought, hard, for that pregnancy, more than most women need to in order to have a child. That initial feeling of joy after that test read “pregnant” is indescribable. I’ve taken quite a few pregnancy tests in my day and seeing the first positive was amazing. Losing this baby and that happy feeling has been heartbreaking. However, as I’ve said before, that baby just wasn’t meant to be. The genetic testing proved that. The baby wasn’t viable. There was something wrong with it. There was a reason that we lost it and it was beyond my control.
So, why did God give us a pregnancy if he knew it wasn’t going to last? At the time that we found out we were pregnant, we were approaching the last few months of non-IVF treatment. We were losing hope. I remember my doctor telling me that using this protocol over the next 3 months, I would have a 30% each month to get pregnant, so she said I would have about a 90% of chance of getting pregnant in those 3 months. I thought to myself “yeah, right! We both know it’s not going to happen for us”. I had lost hope that it was possibility. I was chugging along with the treatments, doing everything I could to get a baby, but I had lost hope that it was really a possibility for us. I had little faith that I would be able to get pregnant. I’d like to think that he made us pregnant for two reasons. First, to give us hope again. To show us, that it is possible for us to get pregnant. The genetic testing confirmed there is nothing wrong with me and that I am able to carry a baby. It gave us hope that we may be able to get pregnant again. It is possible for us. The second reason is to show the doctors that there is nothing wrong with my left fallopian tube. Ever since my HSG test in November, they were concerned about some “pooling”, possible scarring, in my left tube. They were concerned when all the follicles were on the left side and that the left side could be what was causing problems with us getting pregnant. Well, the egg for this pregnancy came from that left tube. It traveled through the entire tube with no problem and implanted where it needed to in order to grow. My doctor said to me “maybe we should stop selling that left tube short”.
A miscarriage is not a positive thing to go through. It was a devastating loss of something that we (I, mostly) worked very hard to achieve. But, it has given us hope again and proved that there is nothing wrong with me. It’s giving me some hope that even if it doesn’t happen for us within the two months of treatment that we have left, it could still happen for us naturally. There is nothing wrong with my tube, my hormones, or my body and there is nothing wrong with Hubby. It is possible and that is good news.