Today I would’ve been 12 weeks along. Today would’ve marked the end of the first trimester and we would’ve been at the point of being able to announce our pregnancy. Instead, today is two weeks post my D&C. It’s been almost a month since we found out the baby’s heart rate dropped and we were going to miscarry. The D&C is over and the bleeding from that has finally stopped but, I’m still not done with the miscarriage. I have to have bloodwork done weekly to monitor my HCG levels. Before my D&C, my HCG levels were at 40,299. One week post D&C, they were at 398. I am hoping that they continue to drop drastically so that this process isn’t drug out for too much longer.
So how do I feel about all that change in one month and what this day could’ve been for us? Well, for the most part, I feel ok. I mourned our loss way back when we found out we would miscarry. Since, I have cried here and there, but for the most part I’ve reeled it in. I’ve also been using dark humor to get through. Not everyone understands why me and my husband both use dark humor, but it’s a coping mechanism for us and by making light of the situation, it is easier for us to move on and keep our smiles. That baby just wasn’t meant to be for us. I have to let go of all the hopes and excitement I had because it isn’t going to happen for us now. I’ve accepted that, for the most part.
However, that doesn’t mean that I’m still not upset about it and that certain things still won’t bother me. For example, yesterday I was scrolling through Facebook and saw a sponsored link about the Today show and their anchor. One of their anchors announced yesterday that she was pregnant with her second child and due in December of this year. That should’ve been me. (Obviously not the whole Today show anchor thing, but the pregnancy thing.) I should’ve been able to announce this month that we were expecting and due in December, but I’m not. Then I google this women because I remember that she was definitely over 40 when she had her first kid so I wanted to see how old she was. She is going to be 45 years old this year! Needless to say I took a screen shot of this and texted it to my IVF friend with the following caption “ How is this bitch 44 and having her SECOND child and I’m 27 and can’t even have one?!?!?!?! (insert angry emoji face here)”.
This bothers me from both ends of our situation. Her age is what bothers me from the infertility struggle perspective. Seeing a 45 year old woman having a second child, meanwhile I’m in my twenties struggling to have one, is frustrating. I’m sure everyone who has struggled with infertility can relate to that. They tell women “ your child bearing window starts to dwindle after 35” and here is this lady having babies ten years after that window supposedly should’ve started to closed. Now, my friend did point out that I don’t know how she conceived this child. She may have done IVF, which is possible. However, I’m fairly certain that her first pregnancy (in which she was also over 40) was conceived naturally because she was pregnant when she married her husband. (All of this can be found on Google, I’m not a Today show anchor stalker, I swear.) So we can assume that she still had at least one pregnancy over 40 with no medical intervention. Shenanigans!!! On the whole miscarriage side, it sucked to hear because she is due the same month that I would’ve been. June is the month that people will start to announce their December due dates. It’s going to be very hard to hear of others who will get their Christmas gift babies when I didn’t get to keep mine. Her announcement is just a reminder that I could’ve been her. I could’ve been announcing my pregnancy this month but I’m not. Instead I’m sharing my story of miscarriage. Even though I have accepted our fate, that we weren’t meant to keep that baby, it still isn’t any easier to hear of others who will get to have their December babies. As up front and ok as I seem with our situation, I still ask the question “why me?”. I’m human. It is something that I have asked in the past and will continue to ask myself as we continue on with this journey when I see others getting to have the one thing I want so badly but lost. And I’m allowed to have those moments because, again, I am human! 😝