It’s been a week since my D&C. For the most part, I’m feeling good. I have had bleeding every day since the procedure but nothing worse than a period. My stomach has been a little upset the last few days, but I think that is just unrelated gastro issues. I’ve noticed some of my pregnancy symptoms starting to subside. I’m beginning to feel like my pre-pregnant self again. I will say, that I will be very happy to get rid of the pregnancy acne that I acquired. I was fine with it when it meant I was having a baby, not so much after I learned we miscarried. I am ready to look and feel like myself again. The 10 weeks that I was pregnant were extremely bittersweet. I never got to enjoy it because there was always something upsetting lurking in the background. I’m ready to put that experience behind us and move forward.
Some people have asked me when we plan to start treatments again. I know lots of women, especially those who have conceived via fertility treatments. who have taken time off after a miscarriage before starting the whole process again. I’m torn on this decision. Part of me does want to take a break from all of the appointments, ultrasounds, poking, prodding, and needles. A month off would be a nice change of pace from what my life has been for the last 7 months. The other part of me feels that we lost 2 months of trying because of this miscarriage. We only have two months left before we have exhausted all of our non-IVF options and are forced to take a break. We were supposed to have a baby by the end of the year. The realization that, that dream is no longer a reality for us has been a tough one for me swallow. We were supposed to have the best Christmas gift this year and now there is no way that we can have a baby in 2016. Even if I were to get pregnant within the next month or two (which is highly unlikely since my hormone levels have to go back to zero and that can take a whole month or longer after a D&C), we wouldn’t have a baby until midway through next year. It just seems so far away. However, I think my body and mind (and veins) could use a break to just rest and regroup. I haven’t made a decision either way yet. I guess we have to see how long it takes for my levels to drop and how many blood tests I have to have in order to check those levels before I can make a decision.
Switching topics, I just downloaded the new Meghan Trainor CD last night (and maybe one or two Justin Bieber songs, DON’T JUDGE ME!). I was listening to it on my way home for lunch today and a song really struck me. It made me tear up in the car. It is called “Kindly Calm Me Down”. It made me think of Hubby. He has been strong and allowed me to cry while holding back tears of his own. The song perfectly describes what he is to me. He is my safe haven and my security blanket. He is the calming force in my life. The chorus goes as follows:
“When my world gets loud, could you make it quiet down?
When my head, it pounds, could you turn down all the sound?
If I lay in pain, by my side would you stay?
If I need you now, would you kindly calm me down?”
He has done all of these things for me. When I get stressed cause the world is too loud and freak out, he helps me out and does what he needs to do to quiet it down. When my head literally pounds from a migraine, he darkens the rooms, brings me water, and turns down the sound so I can sleep. When I laid in pain after we found out we miscarried, he laid there right next to me and sat by my side all day. Every time I have a hypochondriac moment, he kindly calms me down.
He has supported every decision I have made throughout this process and came with me to ever single ultrasound appointment during my pregnancy. I am so thankful for him. I know his heart is broken too. I know he feels this loss of our child as much as I do but he is very open about the fact that I’m the one who has to deal with the physical effects. I’m the one who has to see the bleeding, the reminder that our baby is no longer. I’m the one who had to be put under to have our baby removed. I’m the one who had to physically carry the child and deal with the effects. I remember when we were discussing our options; natural, medication, or D&C, he said that he didn’t want me to be in pain and that the D&C seems like the least physically painful way to handle the situation but he would be there for whatever I decided. He has truly been my rock (as a husband should be) throughout the whole fertility/miscarriage process. Even though sometimes I do rub in his face all the things I had to go through (injections, appointments, blood draws, pelvic exams) compared to his contribution, he always says that I am right and he appreciates everything I have done to start our (human) family.
We have been together for 7.5 years, married for 4. I love him more now than the day that he asked me to be his girlfriend (yes, I was in love with him before we were officially boyfriend and girlfriend). This has been the biggest challenge that we have faced together in our entire relationship. Unfortunately, it isn’t something that we can choose to face, overcome, and move on. It isn’t something that we can quickly fix ourselves. We can only do what we can and pray that God provides the outcome we are trying so hard to achieve. But facing this challenge, has only reminded me how lucky I am to have him to share my life with. He makes me feel stronger than I really am and it is because of him that I am able to face my fears and do what needs to be done for our baby.
So I just want to thank my husband for everything he has done for me, for us, and for our family. I am truly lucky to share my life with you and I love you with all of my heart.