So after the ultrasound last Monday, our doctor told me to see if anything changes during the week. If no changes by Friday, call and advise how I wanted to move forward, whether medication or D&C. I called Friday to schedule my D&C, which led to a huge wake up call for me.
I have only been “put under” once in my life and that was for my wisdom teeth. That procedure was done with IV sedation in the doctor’s office. I sat in the waiting area for about 20 minutes before being taken back to have the surgery done. I made them give me gas before sticking the IV in my arm so I wouldn’t freak out (because up until that point I had never had blood drawn or an IV). Once the surgery was complete, I woke up in a recovery room and went home. It was quick and painless.
When the doctor was telling us about the D&C procedure, I naively thought it would go down the same way. She mentioned it would be done in the other city in which they have an office so I just assumed it would be done in the doctor’s office. I thought it involved me scheduling a time at their office in the morning and having a similar experience to my wisdom teeth surgery. Boy, was I wrong!
It is a legitimate surgery. It is done in a surgery center. I have to do the whole pre and post op thing. I have to have blood work done prior to the surgery. Having worked at a surgery center, I know that they call you the day before with your time and there is no guarantee your procedure will be done in the morning. Obviously, with any kind of sedation you can’t eat or drink prior to surgery. Those of you who know me, know that I get “hangry” like nobody’s business. My “hanger” can hit when it is least expected and it can cause me to get super bitchy and shaky. Hence, why I always carry snacks and granola bars in my purse at all times. I also usually always have water with me because I am a migraine sufferer and found I get them more frequently when I don’t monitor my water intake. I have also found that immense anxiety causes me to shake and get super hungry too. So for me, the possibility of not having the procedure until the afternoon was not a good one. It created a massive amount of anxiety. If I had to have the procedure in the afternoon, that is a really long time for me to go without water or food and I would for sure get sick. I explained this to my nurse who said she would see what she could do but obviously she has to coordinate two schedules; the doctors and the surgery center.
All of the anxiety of trying to schedule this procedure on Friday was actually causing my anxiety hunger. Thankfully, she got it scheduled in the morning. Procedure to be done at 8:30am. That is definitely doable for me, to go that long without eating or drinking.
I got the phone call from the surgery center outlining the timeline for Thursday morning. I only have to be there one hour prior to the procedure (when I worked at a surgery center it was 2 hours), so that is great. The procedure is scheduled at 8:30 and there is an hour time slot allotted. I would then have about 45 minutes to an hour of time in the recovery room and then I can go home. Based on that timeline, if the procedure takes 1 hour (which the doctor said it was a 15 minute procedure), I should be home by 11:00a. That leaves me the rest of the day to rest and recuperate so I can go back to work on Friday. I know a lot people have told me to take Friday too but since this baby didn’t stick, and I know we will have to go back to fertility treatments, I need to conserve my time off of work for doctor’s appointments.
So far, there have been no changes. No signs of natural miscarriage so I’m thinking this surgery is inevitable. I’m not looking forward to it but I am happy it is early in the day and afterwards, it will all be over.
As far as how I’m doing with everything, for the most part, I am ok. I haven’t cried about it in a while. When certain people express their condolences, I tear up a little. Yesterday, my boss came and expressed his sympathies and I started to tear up. Everyone views a miscarriage differently. For me, I know this baby wasn’t viable. This baby could not have survived outside of me. It was not meant to be. Maybe it was just meant to show me that I can get pregnant and not to lose hope about it happening for us (because prior to that positive test, I was drastically losing faith that having a child was a possibility). Having a D&C performed means they will send the baby out for genetic testing to see if there were any genetic reasons why it didn’t stick. When they do this, you can also find out the gender. I have no desire to know what it was. To me, it doesn’t matter because it will never be. Putting a gender to it will just make it that much harder for me to move on. I also will not be naming this baby. I know that some people do and it helps them to deal with the pain. I feel that naming this unborn baby would make moving on for me that much worse. It makes the reality of this loss that much greater to me. I didn’t have a stillborn child. I will never see this baby. It was a little swiggle on the ultrasound. The best way for me to move on from this loss is to deal with it and then move on. Yes, it is a devastating loss for us after all of the fertility treatments we have been through. Yes, we lost a child that we had hopes and dreams for. Yes, we would’ve been parents by the end of this year. But, I know so many other women who have had it so much worse. Women who have suffered miscarriage after miscarriage. Women who have carried their child past that first trimester and ended up having a miscarriage after 12 weeks. Women who have carried their babies only to give birth to stillborn children. Yes, we lost our baby. My heart is broken. But this baby was not meant to be for us. I don’t need to give it an identity and gender. I need to remind myself that it wasn’t meant to be and that I was lucky to suffer this loss early on in the pregnancy rather than go through what so many other women have with late losses.
Everyone handles these types of losses differently. If finding out the gender or naming your lost child, helps you move on and deal with the pain, then absolutely go for it. I mean no offense to anyone has done either of those things. For me, I think it would only make the loss that much harder to move on from.