This morning Hubby and I went to the church I have been frequenting the last few weeks. Today’s sermon could not have been better for us. The topic was “God’s Will for you when suffering”. I sat there during the entire sermon holding back the tears. It talked about God’s plan for us. He subjects us to suffering to teach us perseverance, patience, and to strengthen our faith. It should help us to grow with others and remind us that we are not in this alone. Suffering can serve as a way to provide comfort to others who are going through similar situations.
Part of me feels like God has already subjected us to a lot that has taught us patience and perseverance by having us struggle with infertility. However, he wouldn’t give us more than we can handle and this miscarriage is something that he feels we can handle. It has definitely strengthened my faith in him and I’m hoping that it does for my husband as well. We have been shown that we are not alone in this. The amount of people who have reached out to me/us since I posted about our miscarriage has been amazing. So many people have told me that they have been through similar situations and that we are not alone in this suffering. We received flowers from family out in CA. My neighbors brought me a flower and a card expressing their sympathy and support. So many have reached out to us. It shows that we do have an amazing supporting system and that we are not the only ones dealing with this loss, we are not alone.
I also feel that our struggle with infertility and now this miscarriage is for us to help those in similar situations. There are so many blogs out there on these subjects and mine helps to show another perspective on the struggles and suffering. I really feel that he is putting us through this so I can help others know they are not alone. So many people don’t talk about these topics and it’s so isolating. I have been open about it since the beginning with our close friends and family but I felt like others had no idea about a major part of our lives. It was still isolating. I had to get it out and share it with everyone. I feel that God has called me to share our story to help others and I pray that by doing that I am providing some form of comfort to others in similar situations.
The second half of my day:
Tomorrow we have another appointment to see it the baby’s heart beat has stopped and to discuss the options to miscarry. I was hoping that if the heart beat is no longer there they could give me the medication in the office tomorrow so we could start the process and begin to move on. However, I started to read blogs about other people’s experiences with the miscarriage medication and they were not comforting. Most of them alluded to the fact that the medication has to be prescribed and picked up by the patient before it can be administered. So there goes my same day option. My doctor did tell me that I would be in pain by taking the medication but she said no more than if I were to miscarry naturally. My reading appeared to show a different level of pain experienced. I read 4 blogs, one of them said that it did not hurt anymore than her worst period cramps and pain. The other three varied from “I wanted to die” to “severe pain for an hour”. It also appeared that most of these other women’s doctors prescribed a pain medication (Vicodin, Tylenol w/ Codeine ) with the miscarriage medication. Another fact that does not bode will for the “no more pain than a natural miscarriage” argument. Some women felt nausea and chills, which is some of the listed side effects of the medication that I already found online. Basically, reading these blogs had me in hysterics. I started to freak out. I cried to my husband that we can’t do it tomorrow because I can’t be home alone and he has to go back to work after our appointment. I cried that it was going to hurt. I cried that I even had to face this decision. I started to hyperventilate, I was freaking out so much.
I calmed down and I started to think about it. I read similar responses online when I was trying to figure out how painful the HSG test was going to be, back when we first started our infertility journey. I remember reading a post that said “people should be anesthetized for this procedure” and another that said ” I wanted to die, I was in so much pain”. I believe I had a massive freak out about that as well. When I had the actual procedure, it was unpleasant and slightly painful but nothing more than a really bad period cramp. I didn’t cry or yell out. I just kept saying “Ow!”. I dealt with it and afterwards realized it was not as bad as the internet made it seem.
I’m hoping if I comes to me having to take the medication I will have a similar reaction. I know it will not be pleasant. Nothing about it will be pleasant and it will be extremely emotional. I suffer from migraines and those can be unbearable. The side effects I get from those seem similar to the side effects of this medication; nausea, chills, numbness (I read a blog that a woman had numbness and couldn’t move her hands from the miscarriage medication. This could’ve also been caused by dehydration.) Last week baby still had a heartbeat. Maybe this week it will still have a low one, that could explain why it hasn’t happened naturally yet. I’m praying it happens naturally and that these choices are taken away from me. However, I need to learn that just because the internet tells me one person’s experience does not mean that I would have a similar experience. Every body is different and every body reacts to things differently.
***I just want to thank everyone who has reached out to us. Thank you for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers as we continue with the struggle. It is greatly appreciated. 🙂