***I haven’t updated everyone in a while with our protocol because we weren’t following one for the last two months . We had a doctor confirmed pregnancy on 4/4/16 and I was waiting to share the news until I was out of the first trimester. But we aren’t going to make it to that benchmark so I am going to share the news about what we are currently going through. I know we are not alone in experiencing this pain and I need to get it out to start to deal with it. I’ve documented all of our appointments and the massive roller coaster ride we have been on for the past 8 weeks but was waiting to share them until we were out of the woods. I will update you with where we are currently at and then share some of the posts I wrote since we found out we were pregnant to show the roller coaster ride that we have been on. Pregnancy protocol is a lot different when treating with a fertility specialist to get pregnant. ***
Yesterday we had our fourth ultrasound appointment to see if the baby grew and it’s heart rate went up. Last week I was measuring 6 weeks 5 days and baby had a heart rate of 96 bpm (on the low side). Of course, I was filled with incredible anxiety and shaking prior to the appointment. Our appointment was at 9:00am.
It started as usual. The ultrasound tech checked my ovaries (apparently, my left ovary is huge and she is surprised that it’s not bothering me. Thanks fertility drugs!) Then she went to find the baby. She saw not only one but what appeared to be two yolk sacs (which had not been seen previously). She said that would indicate maybe there were twins but she only sees one heartbeat and it was only 65 bpm. She stated that maybe the second yolk sac was part of the initial one deteriorating. So this confirmed that we do not have a viable pregnancy and we will miscarry. It is not a matter of if but when it will happen.
She hugged me and I started crying. She left. Hubby hugged me and we both starting crying. I basically lost it at the doctors and got it all out there. We met with the doctor who confirmed it was not promising. Unless we were blessed with some sort of miracle in the next week, we were going to miscarry. But they won’t do anything until there isn’t a heartbeat. We have to go back again next Monday to confirm with an ultrasound that there is no heartbeat. Then I have to decide how I want to proceed.
Do I want to just wait for the miscarriage to happen, which can take weeks? Do I want to take medication to speed the process along? Do I want to have a surgical procedure done? Obviously, I would like to avoid having a D&C. The doctor seemed to push towards the medication or the wait and see approach. She steered us away from having any type of surgical procedure. In a perfect world, I would just start to miscarry naturally so I wouldn’t have to deal with this decision, but my life has been anything but perfect up until this point so I know I am going to be faced with this decision. I do not want to drag this out any longer than it already has been. It’s been an 8 week long waiting game of ups and downs and I want to put an end to it and move on.
What is the point of struggling for 18 months to finally get a positive and not be able to keep it? Why is this happening? What is God’s plan in all this? Why me?! Miscarriages are very common (More common that you know because no one talks about it!) and I know many women have had them and go on to have healthy babies. After struggling for 18 months to finally got a positive but not be able to keep it, feels like a cruel joke. There has to be a reason God is putting us through this. I pray that we find out soon.
Now I’m faced with the fear that we only have two months on the protocol we were on before we have exhausted all non-IVF options. If I start to try again and in those two months, we aren’t pregnant again. We are done for a long time. If I do get pregnant again, will I miscarry again? Statistics show once you have a miscarriage you are more likely to have another. Will I be one of those women who get pregnant but struggle to carry a child?
The loss of this pregnancy has caused me to lose my hope. Now I am fearful of all the other what-ifs that can still happen. The gravity of our situation hits me in waves. Sometimes I’m fine, it is what it is, then all it takes is one thing for me to lose it. It is not going to to be an easy road and I know it won’t be a quick one. It will take a long time for us to heal from this loss. But I know I’m not alone, our friends and family are here for us and I know I am not the first woman to experience this immense loss. Others have gotten through it and we will too, it will just take us some time to get our hope back.